When you think you’ve got it all figured out…

So here we were, settling into our routine really well, she started sleeping well in her crib, she was eating quite regularly, and BAM. All of a sudden she didn’t want to sleep unless she was ON someone and she started cluster feeding. And for those of you who doesn’t know what cluster feeding is. It’s when she eats, ALL THE F’KING TIME. I have never been more grateful for being able to just text my doula and ask what’s up cause I was going completely crazy. It’s not only that she eats for a long time, it’s that she eats for like 15 minutes, let go, sleeps for 2 minutes, and then wakes up hungry again, and goes on like that for TWO HOURS. So every time she lets go you think she’s done, but noooo. And little did I know, that was just the beginning. Last night she was eating for the most part of FIVE HOURS.

BUT after I got the respons from my doula that it was normal and that she might go on like that for some time, I realized that there was no point going crazy but just get settled on the couch and try to relax. This apparently happens because they’re in a growth spurt and start needing more milk so they eat like crazy to promote the production. And it also means that I need to eat and drink more, and feel even more thirsty than usually (usually is already a hung-over-as-f’-feel).

However, since our girl haven’t really gained weight as she should, we have gone to the nurse once a week to keep track. And this week she had gained perfectly, more than any other week before. And I also get to catch up on friends, cause watching the whole serie 15 times obviously isn’t enough.

Well she has just started to sleep in her bed a little again, and today she slept quite a lot. Well let’s just agree that having a baby means working on being flexible and patient. I am not giving up on create a routine though, I’m just realizing there will be more bumps on the road than I might have thought.

Tips for anyone going through this

  • Get yourself a bunch of awesome snacks
  • Choose some books to read and stuff to watch on netflix
  • Call your loved ones, what better time to be on the phone then when you’re stuck on the couch. Or if you live closer to yours than I do, why don’t you invite them over so you also have someone who can do stuff for you and bring you stuff while you sit there.
  • Get out anyway, good time to practice being comfortable with breastfeeding in public
  • Allow yourself to take a break, Jesus Christ you’ll need it.

We’re doing pretty good

Things are getting better. I’m feeling better. My parents left a few days ago and it felt a bit scary when they were leaving. I do already miss them, but we’re doing pretty good so far. Of course it was easier to have someone help with the baby when she didn’t want to sleep so that we could rest, but you also get kind of used to not sleeping through the night and even though it’s tough it’s getting better.

We’re getting better at working as a team and we’re getting more and more used to the situation. My hormones have also calmed down a bit, at least for now, so I feel fine. I’m also trying to enjoy it as much as possible.

It’s extremely frustrating when you manage to get the baby to sleep and as soon as you put her down she wakes up and start screaming, and you can barely keep your eyes open anymore. But it’s also so phenomenal when you’ve gotten a few hours of sleep and you wake up to see her cute little face. Of course it’s hard. But of course it’s worth it.

So since a few days, I feel fine, I feel good even. And even though there are more ups and downs to come, I’m enjoying this moment. Those moments that you easily take for granted, like laying on the couch with the love of my life, watching TV with a sleeping adorable baby in my arms.

First post-baby date

Earlier this week we decided to go out just the two of us for the first time since baby arrived. It’s been really hard leaving her, but since it probably will only get harder and harder the longer we wait and my parents being here to help out we thought we might as well give it a try.

So we went out for a drink this weekend, just a couple of hours and nothing super special but it was one of the best dates we’ve had in quite some time. I needed it more than I thought and it went a lot better than I thought it would. Probably also because the end of my pregnancy was so tough I couldn’t really do much but stay in and while breastfeeding feeling like a walking boob, I hadn’t felt like an actual person in a while haha.

We went to rooftop close by and we sat in the shade, it was so warm but up there was some wind and air and it felt so good. We had decided to keep the baby talk to a minimum and just focus on us and each other and even though we didn’t really do anything special it felt so amazing. It has been really tough, and probably is in most relationship with a newborn, you’re both tired and insecure and wondering if you’re doing anything right, everything changed suddenly and you did too, all of a sudden you’re parents and it’s like you need to find a way to be together in this new situation. So it hasn’t been easy. There has been some discussions and a lot of snapping at each other. So just going away for a couple of hours, feeling like ourselves again and just focusing on each other was exactly what we needed.

Planning my wedding from a distance

As some of you know we’re getting married next year. Well to be honest we’re getting married this year, legally. Since Spain likes being super annoying with these things we thought we might as well get the hard part done and then do the wedding aside from that. So that’s what we’re doing.

If you’re expats getting married in Spain get started super super super early. I think it took us 6 months to get all our papers together and then go get them approved, and then there’s the risk of having to wait several months before getting an appointment to actually make it happen.

Anyway, we’re having our wedding in Croatia. Yes I know, French and Swedish living in Spain and now getting married in Croatia, could you guys make it more complicated? We had already planner to have our wedding may 2020 before I got pregnant actually. And when I did it still seemed like a good idea since the baby will be 10 months by then and I will have lost the baby weight (damn straight I will have). So this summer was supposed to be the planning summer ha ha… I ain’t going anywhere.

So thank f’ god for my parents. The reason why we’re getting married there is because my family has a house there and we’ve been spending the last 15 summers there. So that has always been my dream. So my parents are there vacationing right now, and they are running around, talking to people, planning, organizing, asking questions and helping us make decisions from there. And for those who don’t know me, I am grateful of course, but this is f’ killing me, I am the planner, the organizer, I live for that shit. So this is really a challenge in letting go of control. But I am sure it will be completely phenomenal. I trust my parents and the people helping us there. It will most definitely be the wedding of our dreams.

How our families are gonna communicate, now that’s a completely different story. They’ll have some practice before at least.

Things I will not take for granted again

So pregnancy is beautiful and all that but not a super fun time for me even though I’m kind of spoiled with the lack of awful symptoms. But lately when I have gotten even bigger, and it has gotten even warmer, and everything has gotten more uncomfortable, I have been walking around thinking about things that I will never take for granted again. You know, kind of like you do when you have a really bad cold, sitt around thinking of how you will never take for granted not having a blocked nose, or being able to breathe properly.

So here’s my list.

  • Sneezing, laughing or coughing without having to worry about peeing myself. Now I realize that this might get even worse after giving birth. But I still wish I hadn’t taken it for granted before.
  • Non swollen feet and ankles. I even caught myself the other day zooming in on an old photo of myself where my ankles were showing, looking at how skinny and pretty they were. Ahhh the feeling of being able to walk properly.
  • Being able to wear all my shoes…. because of not having those swollen ankles and feet. My only choice now is flip flips. At least I got a pretty pair of flip flops. But still…
  • A flat stomach. I am so mad at myself for ever thinking that I had anything but a flat stomach. I had no idea, seriously. I can’t wait for the day I don’t have this huge bump in the middle of my body. And can wear normal clothes again.
  • Not having heart burn. I literally don’t know what it feels like anymore, to not have heart burn. And I will be forever grateful the day that I’m without and finally get to feel that sensation of not having a fire in my throat.
  • Being able to turn around without waking up during the night. Okay, ha ha, I’m having a baby, I’ll probably be woken up by a screaming baby instead. But at least I’ll be able to sleep comfortably when I do sleep.
  • Not having a great pain ahead. Yes giving birth is natural and will probably be fine. But seriously, it’s no fun walking around knowing that you will experience what people call the worst pain of their lives any moment now. It’s freckin’ scary.

Of course there is also a huge list of things that I will never take for granted like being able to get pregnant this easy. Having a great pregnancy health wise and not having to constantly worry about complications (even if that worry of course can be there anyway). And there will probably be a list of things again after the baby is here, that will make this one sound really ridiculous. But there you go. So if your not pregnant, take a moment and appreciate being skinny (cause yes you are), flexible, not having to worry about peeing yourself, living without heart burn and not having god knows how many hours of excruciating pain ahead. I’m happy for you guys!

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What did you not love about being pregnant?
And what do you miss about being pregnant?

Exhausted mums and rested dads

When we were away on vacation there were a lot of people with kids. And one night at dinner we say this one couple with a kid that might have been around one year or something. The mum looked more exhausted than I think I have ever seen a person look and the dad looked completely fine and rested. Now there might be a lot of reason for this. And maybe there is a reasonable explanation. But I just feel like it’s so often it looks like that. More often than the other way around I mean. Is that because the woman automatically wants to do it all by themselves, that the man lets her and doesn’t offer to help? I don’t know. But are we really still living in a society that lets a woman kill herself taking care of a child while the man who is equally responsible for this child is getting all the time he needs for himself? You can’t pour from an empty cup, so everyone, women too, needs to take care of themselves as well. Is this something you have noticed? Or am I completely wrong?

Are we really that scared of asking for help? Or are we really that stuck in feeling like we have to do it all by ourselves? I feel very good about my first thought being, Odi would never let that happen, and I really don’t believe he would. Even if I tried to do it all by myself, which might actually happen, I believe that he would notice and basically force me to go rest and take care of myself for a bit. Now we don’t have a child yet, it there are, like I said, probably a million reasons why this specific couple looked like they did, and it’s probably more exhausting than I can imagine to have a kid. But it just doesn’t seem reasonable to me that it usually looks like this.

I think the road goes both ways. Men need to step up and take some responsibility and women need to step up and ask for what they need and not feel like they need to do everything by themselves. What do you think?

Only a few weeks left

We are all done now, with the preparations for the baby, well pretty much. We have some stuff left to do regarding the birth more so, visiting the hospital and packing the hospital bag and such. Since I expect for her to be early we really want to get that done. And I had decided that we were gonna be 100% done when it was a month left, to just be able to relax and focus on other things.

I can not believe that we’re all of a sudden here, only 6 weeks away. 6 weeks is nothing, nothing at all, it is literally no time. I can not believe that we are gonna have a real life baby with us that is half me and half Odi and then we’re gonna be responsible for that person. No it has not sunk in, it does not make sense. And I can imagine this feeling getting bigger and bigger the closer we get. The most unreal thing though, is that she’s already here. She’s inside my stomach, just being alive in there, waiting to get out. How weird is that?

To be really honest I am scared out of my mind. I think getting ready with the actual stuff is just a way to make yourself feel like you’re actually prepared. But I have to say that now when I actually have finished I have nothing left to do but sit here and think about exactly how I much I am not ready, and there is nothing more I can do to get prepared! I get that it all falls into place, and that everything is gonna be fine, and that probably everyone goes through this, more or less. But seriously though, how scary is it? We’re having a baby, a human being, a person. What? How did we get here? On one hand I feel like I have been pregnant for years, on the other hand I feel like I found out yesterday and now we’re almost there. This is too crazy. But I am excited too, so excited to meet her, who ever she is!

Did you feel like this when reaching the end of your pregnancy?
Were you scared or only excited? Or both?
How early were you done with all the preparations, and how did that make you feel?

Visit to Sweden

It has been amazing to be back home for a few days visiting family and friends. It was a bit nerv wracking since I was here to do a final exam regarding my bachelor’s degree. I did pass the part I went here to do but unfortunately got some more work to do with the essay that I was hoping to be done with. I’m how ever not the quitting type person so I plan on finishing sooner or later.

It was not amazing to fly in my state, I have to say, and surprisingly enough people were not helpful at all. I really did expect people to be a little bit helpful seeing as I was alone and eight months pregnant but people did not give a crap. I was fine though, and at least got a good seat on the plane. But my feet swell up like footballs.

I have gotten to hang out with my best girls, discussing baby and wedding details. And to spend a lot of time with my grandparents. Discussing giving birth with my mum and grandma how ever was not really that helpful, even though it was comforting. They both had such fast births that trying to ask them about things to bring to the hospital only amounted to them answering “there will be no time for that” and my trying to explain that even though these things can be genetic there are no guarantees. Well, let’s hope so anyway.

I also realized that we do have a name that I like in the family, that will be added to our list of maybe names, that one I will how ever keep to myself for a little bit.

It has been amazing, vacations to Altea with Odi, and Tarragona with Anna, and visiting Sweden, but I am so excited to get back home, to finish the preparations for the baby, and focus on myself, my relationship and my business until life is gonna change forever.

My role models

As I have mentioned before my parents are huge role models for me when it comes to parenting. I also have a lot of others, grandparents and great grandparents even, that I really look up to. Today I wanted to share with you some of my biggest role models in my life.

First, my grandmother. She is just a phenomenal woman, and so cool too. She started her own company, a woman born in the 40s. Only that fact is pretty cool, even cooler when knowing that she really did start from nothing. And that she graduated high school pregnant and not married, having people telling her that maybe she shouldn’t finish school in her state. She really is a power woman, a boss, a role model. She has always taken care of herself and making sure she has a good life and not apologizing for wanting and having. She is also generous and kind, and always taking care of everyone she loves.

Second, my grandfather, now that’s a little different story, which doesn’t really have to do with professional success but success in mindset and life. He was sick for the most part of his life, having to go through a lot of pain and surgeries and just a life in a lot of struggle. And even though one would think that he might let that get the best of him, and he probably did from time to time, he’s one of the strongest people I have ever met. Cause I still lived his life to the fullest and enjoyed it as much as he possibly could. He truly didn’t care about what other people thought of him and he would have the craziest ideas and dreams, he just wasn’t very good at making them come true, he needed my grandmother for that. We lost him about 10 years ago, way to soon and I miss him every day.

I’m so grateful to have grown up surrounded by so many role models, so many strong and phenomenal people that have influenced me so much and made me who I am today. All these people give me so much strength in this new, scary situation ahead.

Who are your biggest role models?
How have they influenced you?

Thoughts on what it takes to be a great parent

I’m so excited to become a mother. Also scared shitless of course, but excited. I really think that I could be really good at it. I know they say that women have this maternal instinct. I think some people have it, but I don’t know if I believe that everyone does. My mum did though, she was just the most natural mother and I hope it’s genetic. These are some of the things I believe that a person should have or do to be a good parent. Just keep in mind that I don’t really know what I’m talking about:

  • Confidence – I think that you need to believe in yourself and have confidence in yourself when it comes to this. As in most things in life, if you doubt yourself the chances are bigger that it will go wrong.
  • Love – let’s me honest, we need to keep a human alive, and that’s really scary. Not only that but we are also hoping that the human will turn into a good person. But at the end of the day, we all get fucked up one way or another, and life happens, we need to be loved, we all need to be loved.
  • Support – we have our heads filled up with what we should and shouldn’t do, what everyone else thinks about what we do, and how we should be living our life. Be the support, be the person that the kid can go to, even with the weirdest ideas in the world. And support, help and support. But promote to get creative and make things happen for yourself.
  • Be selfish sometimes – I believe that to take care of someone else you need to take care of yourself first. I feel like in society you need to be stressed, busy and completely occupied by your kids to be a good mum, to be only a mum. But we are still the same people. And we have become these people through life. I want to be an inspirational parent, and to do that I need to be me, to be the best version of myself, I need to take care of myself. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

I also think it’s important to lead by example, like in all other situations in life. People and kids especially do as you do, not as you tell them to. But I might also have a very naive view of things, not being a parent yet myself. At the end of the day I think we all walk around with way to high expectations. Living in a society where everything is looking very perfect around us, no wonder we do. We can all afford to be a bit more kind and understanding sometimes, we’re all just doing the best we can! So let’s finish of with my biggest point, that I’m probably going to have to remind myself of about 10 times a day when I’m there myself

  • GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK, YOU’RE DOING GREAT