Oh how wrong I have been all these years thinking that people are just being ridiculous. These mommy hormones are completely mental. This has probably been the biggest chock to me out of all the chocking things regarding pregnancy and having a baby. She is like a drug to me. I cannot be away from her because I feel like I’m in physical pain. Even if she’s in the next room, if I don’t hold her for too long I just start crying for no reason. It’s completely insane.
And then there’s the guilt. I touched the subject a little bit in the post meeting my daughter for the first time cause literally a moment after giving birth to her I felt it for the first time. But since then it has happened a few more times. Like yesterday. Emma had a bad night, so I had a bad day since I hadn’t been sleeping much at all. I was completely exhausted and all the emotions was just too much. She also seemed to have a bit of a stomach ache and I couldn’t do anything about it. Odi came to hug me and out came the waterworks, I just cried and cried. So my mom told me to fed her and then she would take her for part of the night so I could sleep, at least until she needed to eat the next time. And I felt so bad. I realized that I needed to do it, and so I went into my bed and cried for a while before falling asleep.
It’s so completely messed up. Even though you know intellectually that it’s completely normal and reasonable to need a few hours of sleep, and that it doesn’t make you a bad mom or a bad person, the guilt is just there, it just shows up. I am working on leaving her for short moments and during my parents stay we will give it a try to leave the house without her for a little bit, but it’s so hard, and it’s completely shocking to me, how strong these feelings are.
So I apologize for ever thinking that people were just being ridiculous, not that I ever said to anyone, but still, I feel bad. I am now in my bedroom and going to take a nap while Emma is in the livingroom with Odi, patting myself on the shoulder, baby steps!
I was preparing a lot of things during my pregnancy and one of them was the hospital bag. Just type in hospital bag on pinterest and you’ll see how many different suggestions pop up. Which is of course good, but also makes it a lot harder to know what is the right things for you. So here is a list of the things that I actually needed from my hospital bag.
For baby Now obviously this can differ a bit depending on the weather. Giving birth in the middle of summer in Spain makes it a lot easier to pack for baby.
A few onesies
For me I read all about all the different clothes and stuff I needed to bring, and sure it’s since you don’t know it’s good to have options so that you’re comfortable.
A top that will be easy to breastfeed in if you’re planning on doing that
Big as panties for those big as pads (the pads I got at the hospital)
A few skincare products
Contact and glasses
Clothes to go home in, comfortable clothes, no tight pants!
This is different for all people, but straightening iron, make-up and all that was definitely not something I needed.
Other stuff you might need, dependent on what you like and usually use and need. We spend a lot of time watching Netflix, but I also loved having my journal so I could right about all the things I had just gone through and was going through.
Speaker to play music (I didn’t use mine)
Laptop (with Netflix)
A lot of liquids, vitamin drinks and water
If I would pack my bag again I would definitely go more basic. But it’s also different for us who don’t really have anyone here. We couldn’t just ask someone to bring us something, we had what we had haha. And having never given birth before, obviously I had no idea. So hopefully this can be of help to someone else!
My parents came to visit the other day. It was a good time, cause we got about a week with her alone to find our own way and then my parents arrived to help out at the exact right time. It was really weird for us though. Most people are in a baby bubble for a while but they have people coming to visit probably from the first or at least second day. We have really been in a bubble and it kind of made the whole situation even more unreal since we were alone with her here all that time and nobody actually met her.
It was really emotional for all of us, seeing my mum with her, and I guess for my mum to see me with her. It feels amazing to have them here but it also makes me a little sad since it makes me think of all the people who are not here to see her and won’t see her for another 2 months. It’s hard to be away from family and friend at a time like this. Not that I would want to live anywhere else, but I would just want them all here right now.
When they’re here we’re also gonna take some time to be just us, which will be hard, since I can barely be away from her at all. But it’s good to practice to go out and do stuff on your own. It’s also good to have them here to suggest going out for lunch and stuff like that so we’re not completely stuck in the house but slowly and surely taking baby steps out of our bubble and comfort zone.
It’s been a week with our little girl and we are doing good. I has been a huge transformation and we’re still getting used to it and getting to know her and ourselves in this new situation. It is completely overwhelming and feels completely natural at the same time.
What has surprised me the most are all the emotions I’m dealing with and it’s completely normal I guess, with the hormones, but oh god how strong they are. Being away from her for too long literally hurts me. I always kind of thought that people were just being a little ridiculous but it’s so real and so strong.
We’re slowly finding somewhat of a routine together, except for when she decides to change it up and keep us up all night. And I am working on incorporating my own routine into that too. Even if we need to rest and just be it’s also important for me to find my way back to my self care routine, or at least a new one, to take care of my mind. We’re taking our time and finding our way and we’re doing great, I think.
So we got home from the hospital and the first thing to do was introducing little Emma to the dogs. She was sleeping so she didn’t even notice them, but they were really confused and also excited. We put her down in the car seat for just a little so they could smell her and then we decided to wait a while. They were confused and a little stressed for a little while but they got used to her being around pretty quickly.
It was so amazing to come home. But also completely surreal. All of sudden we’re just here with this little baby. She slept most of the evening the first night. And we just sat on the couch just letting it all sink in. Anna came home and got to meet little Emma for the first time.
We’ve just spent the last days figuring it all out, trying to learn and get to know her. I had decided to breastfeed, and one would think that the baby just latches on and that’s that. But it’s actually quite complicated. What position to hold the baby, for the baby to latch properly, for the milk to come in, which usually takes 3-5 days. And the pain…
The personal at the hospital tried to be helpful but I ended up just feeling super stressed and I was questioning if I even wanted to breastfeed. The baby is of course also more fussy since she’s not getting proper milk and you try and try while it feels like someone is ripping your nipples off. But when we got home I felt more comfortable and got tips and advice from our doula both with how to do it and also for creams and tricks for it not to hurt as much.
With some practice and the most amazing nipple cream we started to get a hang of it and the milk finally came through. It made everything a lot easier since when she’s hungry she eats and then sleeps, while before she would latch on for a while, still not be satisfied, cry again and then it went on and on like that. Now she sleeps like an angel.
I do believe that we’re pretty lucky. FOR NOW (I will probably regret saying this) she’s easy to get to sleep, the breastfeeding is going well and she’s just so cuddly and cute.
It’s no fun being pregnant. I’ve had a pretty easy pregnancy, I’ll admit. And it hasn’t been all that bad for the most part. But now it honestly just sucks. I was so sure I’d be early that I felt like I was late already before my due date and now I’m past due, feeling like I’ve been pregnant for years.
And it’s not like you’re feeling super up for doing the things that is said to induce naturally. Exercise with feet double their normal size that feel like they’re about to explode as soon as you stand up? Take the stairs? Eat spicy food when you’re throat already is on fire most of the time doesn’t feel like an amazing choice either.
But, I am going for a morning walk every day. And went for an even longer walk yesterday, which turned me into a pile of sweat. And also using on a birthing ball, and taking the stairs. I’m trying. And I’m dying.
So the latest due date that was said was the 17th, the one before that was the 19th, and the first due date we got when I first got pregnant was… TODAY! So let’s all hope that today is the day. Cause I do not wanna be pregnant anymore. And I wanna have this whole child birth thing over with.
We’ve gotten a few different due dates during this pregnancy. First it was the 21st, then the 19th, and the latest one… today!! And of course, this is just as much a guess as anything else, but it still feels totally crazy. I was of course sure she’d be early, so for me it feels like I’m already late. And I am so ready for this pregnancy to be over.
We’re going to the hospital to day, to do a 20-30 min monitoring of the baby and a visit with the midwife. Apparently they have a tendency to advise induction when they think the baby is big, and since they’re saying this baby is huge, that might the case. If there’s no other medical reason to induce I do believe it’s better to wait and see if she’ll want to come on her own.
It feels completely crazy still that I’m gonna be a mother. And it’s hard to understand what everyone says, that it all comes so naturally. I do have a lot of trust and believe in myself and in Odi as well, so I do believe that we’re gonna do great. I guess it’s just like with other things in life, you have this image of what it’s gonna feel like when you’re there and then it turns out you’re completely wrong. Kind of like when you were young and thought that those who graduated high school was all grown up, ha ha ha. I kind of feel like that, like shouldn’t I feel more like an adult by now? I mean I’m having a baby like TODAY, and I still feel like I just graduated high school.
I still have such a hard time connecting to that it’s an actual person in there. An actual person who’s gonna be here soon. A person that’s gonna be a mix of me and Odi, that we’ve created, that we’re responsible for. I guess it all falls into place when we see her, when she’s here. But for me, it’s still super alien.
How did you feel at the end of your pregnancy? Did you feel ready? Did it all really come all the naturally?