Only a few weeks left

We are all done now, with the preparations for the baby, well pretty much. We have some stuff left to do regarding the birth more so, visiting the hospital and packing the hospital bag and such. Since I expect for her to be early we really want to get that done. And I had decided that we were gonna be 100% done when it was a month left, to just be able to relax and focus on other things.

I can not believe that we’re all of a sudden here, only 6 weeks away. 6 weeks is nothing, nothing at all, it is literally no time. I can not believe that we are gonna have a real life baby with us that is half me and half Odi and then we’re gonna be responsible for that person. No it has not sunk in, it does not make sense. And I can imagine this feeling getting bigger and bigger the closer we get. The most unreal thing though, is that she’s already here. She’s inside my stomach, just being alive in there, waiting to get out. How weird is that?

To be really honest I am scared out of my mind. I think getting ready with the actual stuff is just a way to make yourself feel like you’re actually prepared. But I have to say that now when I actually have finished I have nothing left to do but sit here and think about exactly how I much I am not ready, and there is nothing more I can do to get prepared! I get that it all falls into place, and that everything is gonna be fine, and that probably everyone goes through this, more or less. But seriously though, how scary is it? We’re having a baby, a human being, a person. What? How did we get here? On one hand I feel like I have been pregnant for years, on the other hand I feel like I found out yesterday and now we’re almost there. This is too crazy. But I am excited too, so excited to meet her, who ever she is!

Did you feel like this when reaching the end of your pregnancy?
Were you scared or only excited? Or both?
How early were you done with all the preparations, and how did that make you feel?

Good things to tell a pregnant woman

So I have talked a bit about weird things do when people are pregnant. For example here. So I thought it would be a good idea to write about things that are actually nice to hear when you’re pregnant. Which, of course, is only according to me but I do think these are more safe than the things that people usually do say like, OMG you’re so big, for example. No one wants to hear that they’re big, ever, under no circumstances, at all. And yes sure, I’m big because I’m pregnant, but that’s no surprise now is it?

  • That you look good in your clothes.
    For one, being uncomfortable with being pregnant is not only about a growing stomach, everything is growing, in weird ways, and you’re a weird form, and clothes doesn’t fit very well, and like that wasn’t enough you’re probably over sensitive too. So hearing that the one thing you found on the maternity section actually looks really good on you is really nice.
  • That you’ve grown since last time.
    Now me being a little extra sensitive to people saying stupid things, I might think, oh you don’t say. I really cannot believe that people get so surprised that you get bigger when you’re pregnant. Anyway, if you for some reason feel the need to comment on the size of this person (BUT WHY), skip sentences involving big and fat and just go with this one.
  • Can I feel your stomach?
    Well, no, not really, but at least you had the decency to ask if it’s okay. And if we are friend, it might actually be. But it is never, under any circumstances okay, or normal behavior to just put your hand on someones stomach. How would you like it?
  • Are you nervous, worried, scared?
    It is okay to ask, even if I might not wanna talk about it. And asking is always better than telling. Don’t start with throwing your friends friends scary story about giving birth. If anything, dig up a positive story about how everything is gonna be okay.

Do you agree/disagree?
What did/do you appreciate to hear?
And definitely did/do you not appreciate to hear?

Happy mother’s day

Today it’s mother’s day in some places, Sweden being one of them. Unfortunately since I’m living in Spain and being away for an event I’m not spending this day with my mum. I am however feeling a bit emotional on a day like this, it being my first (almost) mother’s day or should I say the last one without actually being a mother. I guess it depends on how you look at it. I definitely do not feel like a mother yet and I guess I won’t until the day she decides it’s time to arrive.

I have so many goals and aspirations about being a mother. I am also scared and nervous. But I’m mostly excited, cause to be honest (about to step outside the norm here and own my confidence), I think I will be good at it. I do have a lot of growing left to do (ha-ha). I have not reach everything I want to reach or created the life I want for myself and my family yet. But I’m owning my life, I am chasing my dreams, I am believing in myself. I believe myself to be strong, empowering, smart and stubborn. I have always gone my own way and stood up for myself and others. I am a hell of a friend, a great sister, daughter and fiancé mostly, I think, because I always give all of me, all of the real me. I see the best in people and strive to become the best version of myself and I know that I will succeed and have my dreams come true cause I do not quit.

So that was a little different, ha? Don’t you think we should all own up a bit more to what we are actually good at? What is actually great about us? I feel like I have this confidence within me and a trust in myself but that the society have taught me that you shouldn’t give yourself too much credit, you shouldn’t talk yourself up too much. And while you should definitely not let your ego get so big you think you have nothing left to learn, you should affirm yourself and tell yourself that you are f’king great when you are.

I also have a lot of trust in my ability for motherhood because I grew up with a phenomenal mother. She was natural from the start, just meant to be a mother. She is strong, stubborn, strong-willed and so honest she couldn’t hide her opinion about something or someone even if she tried. She is also soft, kind, supportive, smart and welcomes people she likes and loves with open arms and gives them all she’s got.

I can’t wait to be a mum, and I can’t wait to hug mine the next time I see her. Happy mother’s day my fabulous mum, I love you more than words can say.

What I like about being pregnant

We can establish that I’m not one of those people who’s just super comfortable being pregnant. I’m not comfortable with getting bigger, caring around a bowling ball on my stomach, have all clothes fit badly (maternity clothes suck), having constant back pain or just feeling tired and clumsy all the time. I do really get amazed when I think about what my body is actually doing, and I do feel incredibly grateful that I get to experience it, that I didn’t have any problems getting pregnant and that my pregnancy is going great. I have also been one of the lucky ones how haven’t vomited and stuff. But I hate hate hate feeling clumsy and big and realizing there are things I can not do for myself as I get bigger (punching my independence in the gut). Anyway, I do feel like I need to also be a little positive, so here is a list of things that I actually do like about being pregnant.

  • The excitement – It’s like nothing I have ever felt before in my entire life. While it is thrown in there among 500 other feelings floating around constantly the excitement is completely new and phenomenal. I have already told my fiancé that even if I might hate this, I am doing it again, because nothing (this far in life) can compare to the excitement of expecting. It’s nerv wracking and completely terrifying but it’s amazing. That feeling when seeing the result on the pregnancy test, or the weeks waiting for the ultrasound that will tell you if it’s a boy or a girl.
  • Feeling her move – Is up there among the weirdest feelings I have ever experienced and all of a sudden it’s just a completely normal part of your day. It’s not even possible to try to explain the feeling. It’s really alien to have a living being rolling around inside your stomach, but it’s amazing. I get all filled up with love every time.
  • Planning and picturing – This is one of absolute favorite things about being pregnant. Me and Odi spend hours talking about her. What it’s gonna be like, what she’s gonna look like, what she’s gonna be like, what we’re gonna be like as parents. It always gives me the biggest smile on my face. It’s probably not gonna be anything like we picture or think, but it’s still so exciting to think about.
  • Togetherness – We were super close before I got pregnant too, but since then and going through this together has brought us so much closer together. It’s really special. I mean, we were engaged before, and I know people who have kids split up too, but somehow it’s like we’re bound together forever, in a completely different way.
  • Being taken care of, BY SOME – Now I think it’s clear that I am not a fan of people treating me like a kid, or like I’m sick, or like I can’t do stuff. I think my first ever sentence was, I can do it by myself, and I do not like having to admit defeat. But it is nice having my closest people giving me the special treatment, like offering a massage, or caring my bag.

So there are a few things that I like about being pregnant, and a lot of it is emotional and is one way or another connected to the excitement of what’s to come. I am so grateful for this journey that we’re on and this huge life-changing roller coaster we’re about to go on. And I thought it would be about time to high light some of the positives in the middle of the back pain and clumsiness.

What are you favorite things about being pregnant?
And your least favorite things?

The story behind the instagram post

We all know how we post our perfect life on social media and that it’s not always the whole truth. Sometimes it’s not just to portrait a perfect life, well I can only speak for myself, but sometimes it’s about keeping a positive attitude, and also about maybe not wanting to share all the bad things, cause that can be hard to even share with your closest people, let alone the world.

I feel like I’m very aware, and I try to keep it positive but honest on my social media, and I don’t show all of my mental breakdowns, but I try to be honest about my ups and downs. So here goes, the truth behind my latest instagram picture is that I had just actually cried my eyes out before it was taken. When I finally got a picture I was happy with I just wanted to move on and go back to being happy and positive, so my post was not at all about pretending but moving forward. But that is the truth. Like I have talked about in a previous post that you can read here pregnancy doesn’t always come without body issues. So here’s the story

I wanted a pretty pregnancy photo in this amazing and beautiful place. And so the first day in the sun I asked Odi to take some. And when he came back from running around taking photos from different angles (I know he’s so great), I hated them, I looked like a whale, a huge, overweight (not only the stomach of course, cause obviously it’s big) whale. He tried to tell me that that wasn’t at all what he saw, but somehow that just made it worse, and I just broke down and cried. I really thought that I would love and admire my body while pregnant, and I do, but it’s hard, I’m wider and bigger and different everywhere, not only around the stomach, and all you see all around are these model looking women with only a stomach growing. And somehow, even if you deep down know that’s not how you look, you kind of hope that the picture will turn out like one of those perfect pregnancy photos.

Thankfully I have the most amazing fiance, who listened and comforted me and then told me that he was gonna take more pictures, and wouldn’t take no for an answer. So he told me where to go, where to sit, how to sit and where to look and he ran around this whole place taking more pictures from different angles, trying to make me look and feel pretty. And eventually I ended up not hating some of the pictures he took.

It’s not easy gaining weight in this society, I just never thought these ghosts would follow me into pregnancy. But there’s the ugly truth, even in pregnancy some of us have to work through body issues, and if we’re lucky, we have amazing people around to help us do that and tools to help ourselves too. I’m working on loving my body for this amazing thing it’s doing, and a lot of days I do, some days are better than other, both with how you look at yourself and how you feel.

We should all be better at celebrating and loving ourselves. Especially while creating a fking human.

Did you ever feel like that while pregnant?
What are your best tips on handling these feelings?

Thoughts on what it takes to be a great parent

I’m so excited to become a mother. Also scared shitless of course, but excited. I really think that I could be really good at it. I know they say that women have this maternal instinct. I think some people have it, but I don’t know if I believe that everyone does. My mum did though, she was just the most natural mother and I hope it’s genetic. These are some of the things I believe that a person should have or do to be a good parent. Just keep in mind that I don’t really know what I’m talking about:

  • Confidence – I think that you need to believe in yourself and have confidence in yourself when it comes to this. As in most things in life, if you doubt yourself the chances are bigger that it will go wrong.
  • Love – let’s me honest, we need to keep a human alive, and that’s really scary. Not only that but we are also hoping that the human will turn into a good person. But at the end of the day, we all get fucked up one way or another, and life happens, we need to be loved, we all need to be loved.
  • Support – we have our heads filled up with what we should and shouldn’t do, what everyone else thinks about what we do, and how we should be living our life. Be the support, be the person that the kid can go to, even with the weirdest ideas in the world. And support, help and support. But promote to get creative and make things happen for yourself.
  • Be selfish sometimes – I believe that to take care of someone else you need to take care of yourself first. I feel like in society you need to be stressed, busy and completely occupied by your kids to be a good mum, to be only a mum. But we are still the same people. And we have become these people through life. I want to be an inspirational parent, and to do that I need to be me, to be the best version of myself, I need to take care of myself. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

I also think it’s important to lead by example, like in all other situations in life. People and kids especially do as you do, not as you tell them to. But I might also have a very naive view of things, not being a parent yet myself. At the end of the day I think we all walk around with way to high expectations. Living in a society where everything is looking very perfect around us, no wonder we do. We can all afford to be a bit more kind and understanding sometimes, we’re all just doing the best we can! So let’s finish of with my biggest point, that I’m probably going to have to remind myself of about 10 times a day when I’m there myself


We’re having a girl and it scares me

So we’re having a girl. Which is amazing, of course. I kind of always thought that my first child would be a boy. I don’t know why, it was just a feeling. So finding out it was a girl was amazing but also a little weird, and scary to be honest. One thing that I have noticed is that a lot of people believe that all women wishes for a girl, and they also believe that a man would want a boy. I honestly didn’t wish for either or, I just had a feeling my first child would be a boy. Odi did wish for a girl though. It scares me, that we’re having a girl, a girl, because I look at myself, I see myself as a child, as a teenager, how much I have struggled, how hard it has been to navigate being an opinionated and loud girl who takes place, who isn’t just nice and quiet. It scares me, because of all the girls that are mean, which I have been too, probably because of this competition we grow up believing we’re in. And it scares me, because of all the amazing girls and women I know and have met, all of them have story, a story of being harassed, or abused, or just treated like less, because they are just that, girls. How am I suppose to take responsibility for raising a person that will make it through all that and come out stronger on the other side. How am I suppose to give my girl all the tools that she’s gonna need?

Me and my amazing dad

Maybe people get excited about pink, fluffy dresses, first of all, I’m not even that excited about that, they are cute and all, but when I was a child I wanted to wear jeans, much to my mothers despair being her only daughter and all, and now I rather buy the less pink, less fluffy baby clothes. And because of all the opinions, and loudness, growing up with brothers and the competition that we grow up thinking that we’re in, I was never a girls girl.

And sitting here writing this text, I cannot believe that we are living in a society that makes me feel scared when the ultrasound technician tells me I’m having a girl. That makes me think of all the awful situations I have heard about, and been through myself, instead of thinking of pink, fluffy dresses. But even though it scares me to death, I’m accepting the mission, the mission to raise another strong woman, and I will teach her to love herself, and to take care of herself, to be loud and opinionated if that’s what she wants to be. And to do like my parents did, teach her that she can do what ever she sets her mind to even if the world would tells her she can’t.

My amazing parents

Of course it would have probably scared me just as much I we were having a boy. Either way the responsibility of raising a human being is pretty huge! But I believe that just being aware of these kind of things takes us one step closer to doing a great job!

Expectations before expecting vs reality

Let’s talk about expectations. Because this has been a very interesting part of my pregnancy, I don’t know about you guys, but I had a lot of expectations, since I was young, about what it would be like to be pregnant. And they didn’t turn out to be very true.

  1. I always thought I would feel like an adult
  2. I thought that I would feel it immediately, that I would feel different
  3. I thought finding it out would look like it does in the movies
  4. I thought I would be deadly scared to give birth

First of all, I do not feel more like an adult than I did before and I don’t feel more ready either. Does anyone ever feel ready to have a baby? Well, maybe some people do. I, however, am not one of those people.

Second of all, I did not feel it. And that was actually a contribute to the whole confusion in the beginning of the pregnancy. I didn’t feel anything different, well in some way very lucky, since I didn’t vomit. I was just very, very tired, but I didn’t associate that with pregnancy. It was very hard to understand that I was actually pregnant while looking and feeling exactly the same as before.

Third, finding out did not look like in the movies. It was just complete and utter shock. I didn’t know how to react, or feel or what to do, or say. 500 million feelings came rushing through me, tears were streaming down my face but I wasn’t really crying and then I just started walking around in circles.

Forth, now this one is a very good one. I have always been deadly scared of giving birth. To the point where I have actually thought I didn’t want kids because I would never wanna give birth. And in the beginning of the pregnancy I couldn’t mention it or bare that someone else would mention it, I just ignored that it would happen eventually. But after some time, I was completely fine. I mean, it’s kind of cool, what our bodies can do. And in some weird way I’m excited to get to experience it. Most of all, the giving birth part is something that my body is kind of made to do, having a baby however, now THAT is the scary part! ‘

Stomach starting to grow!!

What was your expectations before you got pregnant?
And what was reality like?
If your not pregnant, do you have these expectations too?