Home from the hospital

This has been a tough week. And I didn’t even realize how tough until we got home from the hospital. We got home yesterday. She still had a pretty high level of infection in her body but she seemed so much better and had no fever so we got to go home and then go back for tests again today.

Anna came to meet me at the hospital when we were leaving and we went for lunch before dad picked us up and we went home. I immediately unpacked our stuff and did some laundry. My parents were taking the dogs out and they took Emma with them and I went to Nikkis for a coffee.

I immediately started feeling guilty for leaving her when she’s sick. Not that there was anything I could actually do about it. I guess it was because I’ve barely left her side for the past 2 days. And then when I got to Nikkis I got a bit emotional, but it was still fine. However later last night I caught myself being really angry at Odi for no apparent reason. And I couldn’t stop myself, it just came out of me for no reason, out of nowhere and then I started crying, like a baby! I didn’t even know why. I guess this situation have affected me more than I’d like to admit, and apparently I kept it all hidden while she got sick and we went to the hospital, cause as soon as I relaxed it came crashing down.

I feel better now though. We had a great dinner with my parents, I had a long shower and did all our laundry, and then we had a pretty good nights sleep. And not only that, we went back to the hospital earlier today and the level of infection i her body had gone way down, so she’s really getting better now.

My parents left this morning so we’re gonna have an evening to ourselves, our little family, amazing timing for it after all that has gone down this week. I’m just so extremely grateful to have family and friends around that has been there for us, visited us and helped us as much as possible, and of course for Emma getting better.

Emergency

So with my last post I definitely didn’t mean to say that you shouldn’t go to the emergency because of course it’s better to be safe than sorry. My choice not to go straight was based on the fact that her fever went away, and from advice I got through different phone calls with nurses and health care centers. It was not from me thinking I know better.

We went to the emergency yesterday, as soon as the fever came back again. They did some tests, urin test was one of them and oh my god have I ever experienced anything as boring as waiting for a baby to pee… In a cup… A real workout for my arms to hold her right.

Her fever had gone down again and I was longing to go home, Emma seemed fine, smiling and laughing. Then they came back in telling us we needed to stay one or two days, I was completely chocked. But of course it felt good that they were being safe and wanted to make sure she was fine. She had a high level of infection in her body.

We’re still at the hospital, Odi visited last night, Anna came today and so did my grandparents and my dad came with lunch. We had a pretty good night. The fever still comes and goes and they want to keep us here another night, running more tests and giving her medicine. We’re okay and Emma is charming everyone here! Now we’re just hoping she’ll get better soon.

The first time our baby girl got sick

Our little girl has gotten sick. For the first time. And oh wow how awful it feels, how helpless you feel… She’s been sleeping a bit bad the last few days and seemed to have some stomach ache. Then the night before last she got a fever, but it went away quite fast. It came back in the middle of the night, but went away again and then it came back with a force. Poor little girl had more than 39 degrees and we tired to get an appointment with a doctor but when I finally got a hold of someone they didn’t have any appointments and her fever had gone down.

We decided to wait and see how the night went. It was quite okay, except for a moment when she woke up and was shaking and crying, it was so scary and I’ve never been happier to be here with my parents and just being able to go into the other room to get help from my mom (who’s not just a mom of three but also a nurse)

She slept through the rest of the night and when she woke up the fever was gone. She’s still sleeping alot but she seems better and the fever is staying away. After still trying to get an appointment with a doctor just to check so that everything is okay. Eventually they told us to go to the emergency. And I understand that it’s for safety reasons but to me it doesn’t seem reasonable to take my baby girl, who doesn’t have a fever anymore, in a car or on a bus to go into Malmö and then sit and wait in the emergency for however long. Instead of going around the corner and just having her checked out by a doctor there….

It’s so awful when your little baby gets sick. And no matter how much I keep telling myself that it’s fine, babies get a fever and it’s fine, the worst case scenario keep playing. Especially since she can’t talk yet and tell us what she’s feeling.

It’s also so hard to decide what to do, when it’s bad enough to go to the emergency. I know, I know, better safe than sorry, of course. But at the same time I don’t believe in running to the emergency any time she gets a bit sick, because babies do, and people do. And I don’t think she would feel better going in a car or on a bus and sitting at the emergency for hours before finding out that it’s just a fever.

We are keeping a close eye on her and taking her temperature all the time. She’s sleeping alot but she still seems fine in her behavior, she’s even smiling still. So we’re trying to figure out what to do, where to go, and of course, if the fever comes back we’re off to the emergency. I hope it’s over with now though, and the fever will stay away, and that we’re done with this.

I wonder if it ever gets easier. I guess the first time is the worst, but this is what we signed up for, worrying for the rest of our lives haha!

A weekend to ourselves

So living with my parents have been super nice but also a bit tough, of course. Moving back to your parents house after living on your own for 6 years is not easy. But we’re thankful. Especially for all the help we’re getting. But last weekend, my parents we’re going away for the weekend, so we had the place to ourselves. And it was amazing!

On Friday night we had a date night just the two of us while my grandma was looking after Emma. We had a three course dinner and spent the night talking and just being us again. It’s pretty much the first date we’ve had since Emma was born, except for a few short hours here and there. It was just what we needed. We spent the whole Saturday just being, the three of us, taking the dogs out for long walks, ordering in and watching a movie.

It was great to have a weekend to ourselves, it was just what we needed. And sometimes I think new parents forget how important it is to prioritize some alone time now and then.

Getting into a routine

I’m focusing on getting into a routine. I love our slow mornings, and I’m working on not blaming myself for not getting up early but allowing myself to sleep in. We take the dogs for one or two long walks. I focus on eating well, and getting out, starting up my writing and gratitude journal again. But mostly I’m focusing on not beating myself up for not being able to just jump right back into a routine I had when not being a mama. Cause it goes change things, after being up several times during the night, you need to sleep a bit extra in the morning to make it through the day. And in the middle of your morning routine you need to handle a poop emergency, wash stains and do laundry. The morning routine also involves nursing, changing, dressing and maybe pumping, which all takes a bit of time. And not to mention the huge amount of time all the cuddling takes.

So far our day looks like this

  • Wake up and feed the baby, depending on what time, sleep a bit more afterwards.
  • Drink water!
  • Do some journaling
  • Do my skincare, get dressed and dress the baby
  • Go downstairs and have breakfast
  • Check of a to-do list, make calls or do laundry or whatever it might be

After our slow morning there’s most probably need to change and feed the baby again.

  • We take the dogs for a longer walk around 1 and then we have lunch. Watch some TV, do some tummy time and take a nap. Or go for a fika with someone.
  • In the evening we’ve decided to take the dogs for another walk, just me and Odi, when he comes home. And then we have dinner with my parents. We might stay down with them or go upstairs and watch a movie before bed. And I’ve also gotten started with writing a gratitude journal in the evening. Listing all the things I’m grateful for!

What I would like to include in my routine is yoga, and meditation, but most importantly getting more consistent with our routine. But I’m also focusing on giving myself a f’ing break. Seriously, I’m so hard on myself sometimes, and always ask so much of myself, mixed with never being fully satisfied. My main focus is to take care of myself and the baby, that’s it, and some days that has to be it. And that’s okay!

I like and need to have goals. And I always try to be better. But I’m also really trying to not feel guilty about not doing enough, because it is enough. It’s important to give yourself a break, mama. One step at a time, one day at a time. I love having a routine, and it does make me feel better, but it shouldn’t feel like a chore, it takes discipline but it should also make you feel good, and be something that makes your day better. I need to remind myself of that!

What’s your routine like?
Do you feel stressed about having a routine, about not doing enough?
What are the most important things you need to do to make yourself feel good?

It’s been a while…

So I have decided to start writing here again. We’ve had so much going on that I haven’t even given my blog a thought, to be honest. But now that we’re settled here (as much as we can for now) I’m starting to climb the walls a little. I’m really working on being able to enjoy the now and just be, but I am also very restless as a person and I need project and goals to focus on. It’s all been up and down since we moved back here, living at my parents house and trying to figure out where to go from here.

I feel amazing being back. Having friends and family so close, always having help with the dogs, with the baby, always having someone to meet up with for coffee during the day. I don’t even miss the heat (after being super pregnant in the Spanish summer, some cold feels great). And we’ve also had such a beautiful fall so far.

Odi got a job almost immediately, in Malmö, so we started looking for apartments and found some different options really fast. We’re probably moving beginning of december. But for now we’re living in total luxury at my parents house, being served dinner every night.

It feels amazing to be back here. I was nervous about this huge decision and to up and change our lives so completely. And I’m so happy that it feels completely right to be here. I’m so grateful for our family and friends, for all the help and support. And mostly, I’m grateful to my love for making this life-changing decision with me.

A life-changing decision

So, I never in a million years thought I would say this.

We are moving to Sweden!

I was so sure I was in the right place, that we were gonna stay here. I always said I’m never going back. But somewhere along the way it changed. When Emma was born and my parents were visiting the thought started somewhere, but I still dismissed it. And to be honest, I never thought Odi would be open to the idea. And after they’d left it got stronger and stronger. With a new baby and a whole new life I started realizing how alone we were. I started thinking about my childhood, and having a huge family and so many family friends around and I realized that we don’t have that. And even if we could get out more and make more connections it just won’t be the same. Not to mention the help, that we don’t have here, with the baby and the dogs and everything. They say it takes a village, and we definitely do not have a village here.

The more I started missing my family and friends, the more I saw what we’re missing here and everything we would have there. And it made me really sad. How much they would miss with Emma, and how much I’m gonna miss. For myself this place is amazing to live, for us as a couple too, and we don’t really have a need to a huge social life. But as a family, and for Emma, as parents, for me as a mom, all of sudden this place didn’t feel right anymore.

We went back and forth for some time, and non of us like being in an in between, we’re people who take action. I still felt that the right decision would be clear at one point or another. The more I thought about it the more I realized that all we really have in life is time, and all that’s really important is your loved ones. So we decided that it was time for a new adventure.

I never thought it would be scarier moving back than it was to move away. I guess it’s because I never thought I would, and because I left for a reason. But I am a different person now, and my life is different, and I need different things, we do. So there are a lot of things that are unclear, and there are so many things that need to fall into place, but it feels like the right choice.

As usual with us it all went really fast too, as soon as we decided we started fixing everything and all of a sudden we were moving in a few weeks. Odi decided to stay behind and work a bit more before joining us, which is obviously so hard for all of us. We sold all our stuff, hired a moving company and then we were off.

I cannot believe that we’re doing this. It’s so unreal and I have no idea if this is gonna be the right thing. But one thing is for sure, you need to follow your heart and your gut. And what’s the worst thing that can happen? We end up not liking to live there and we move somewhere else. We really have so many choices, sometimes to many, and making one doesn’t mean it’s forever, maybe it’s just for right now.

It feels so weird and a bit sad to leave this chapter behind. Barcelona has given me so much, so much self development, so many dreams, so many good times, parties and amazing amazing memories, moving here also meant meeting the love of my life, getting engaged, having my baby girl and one extra fluffy baby too. I will always be so extremely happy that we moved here and for all the times we’ve spent here. It’s gonna be sad to leave, but I’m so excited to be closer to our loved ones, and to see what this new adventure has to offer.